Wednesday, March 21, 2007

katie couric's pissy juicy gym smell

I went to the gym Monday night and decided to take an elliptical facing the bank of TVs. I usually avoid this row of machines because I'm getting so I hate TV. All TV does is shoot stupid beams at you. American Idol? Who cares. Survivor? Lost? Nope. Can't commit. Deal or no Deal? BFD.

But I took the last machine on the row anyway, and the closest TVs were tuned to the news. I don't watch Katie Couric--no, I couldn't give a crap about Katie Couric--so it was surprising to see her shot up full of Botox. She looked like some really angry evil pixie, her eyebrows menacingly arched downward. Compare to this older clip.

Was this really necessary, Katie? Really? Does this really affect your newsreading skills? I guess so, if you speak with your eyebrows.

Other things piss me off at the gym. First, well, Monday nights suck. Too crowded. I hate the gal who wears the sweat pants that say "juicy" on the ass. How about "lactating" across the chest? A guy in sweats that say "engorged" on the crotch? No. Keep your narcissistic mottos to yourself.

Later I'm on the bike. Other people surround me on various machines. There's this...smell. It smells like dogshit. Everybody's moving, and I avoid making eye contact or acknowledging that there's a smell at all. Ladeedadeeda. We're all huffing and puffing and ignoring this smell. I want to check my shoes because I'm praying as hard as I can that it's not ME making this smell. But I play it cool. I finally get off the bike, turn a corner, check my shoes, and it's not me. At least, it's not my shoes.

I go to the chest press machine...and there's the smell again. WTF! It IS me! What IS IT????

In a near panic I run to the bathroom, enter a stall, and begin a sniff check.

It's my shirt. It's new (and black; I always wear black to the gym) and I hadn't washed it yet. It smells like someone took the shirt and picked up a wad of dogshit with it, then hung it back up in the store. And I bought it.

And now I'm wearing this shit-shirt. I'm completely embarrassed, but I'm not quite done my workout. Do I continue? Am I so self-involved that I'm the only one who notices the stench? I decide to try to do only things that won't create a breeze; walking and upper body work is out of the question. I stretch for a minute or 2, curse under my breath then sigh loudly--creating a breeze--and give up.

People who know me know that I value my sense of smell. I'm always smelling things. Is the sense of smell one of the first things to go?

4 comments:

Mike said...

I'll bet your sense of smell has NOT gone and that your shirt only mildly smelled. Ask someone else for confirmation.

carey said...

Great idea! "Hey, do me a favor. Yeah, you with "juicy" on your ass. Is it me, or does my stinky, sweaty gym shirt ALSO smell like dogshit?"

Well, the good news is I washed it, and it doesn't smell anymore. The secret to fresh-smelling gym clothes is in Arm & Hammer's Super Washing Soda. Soak those suckers in a pot of water with some of that thrown in, then toss them in the wash, and you're good to go.

Just in case, you know, you might have some red Under Armour that needs washing.

Anonymous said...

That's what you get for buying something and wearing it without washing it first. that's just nasty. It could be worse - Laura's husband keeps his gym clothes in his truck and re-wears them for weeks! Talk about boy-funk. He couldn't care less!
H.

carey said...

Yeah, I know; I usually wash and wear, but I had nothing else. Oh, god, one wearing and it HAS to be washed. How does he stand it?