i got balls

Are my lame posts the result of a life growing lamer by the day?

I try to dig out of my comfort zone from time to time. This school year I bravely signed up to sub, and what could be scarier than entering a roomful of alien snot-nosed kindergartners when you're first-day ragging, without the benefit of a sedative and an extra tampon?

Earlier last year I wore a velour warmup suit and sported an unflattering Farrah hairdo for my performance as nitwit cheated-upon wife Edie in "A Need for Less Expertise," the role that Anne Jackson made famous, well, nowhere. In the main room of a firehall, the audience thisclose, I made myself cry on cue as well as allowed my costar to remove my Keds and massage my feet--an act of selfless courage, particularly for him because my feet in Keds, and out, are probably not an aromatic delight.

So I'm continuing this trend out of my comfort zone by taking a Little League umpiring class. To become a volunteer Little League umpire. Insanely, way far out of anyone's comfort zone, if you ask me.

I've played ball for what...30-hrumphhrumph years now. Oh, bloody hell, closer to 40 than 30. Anyway, it's amazing how much I don't know about the rules.

Last night I walked up the stairs to the meeting room, filled with close to 40 men and boys (if I ever have a band, THAT's the name of it: "40 Men and Boys.") Heads turned as I entered; clearly I was an interloper. Maybe somebody's wifey, come to bring hubby a forgotten snack or something. But no. I looked around confidently, demurely brushed the hair from my eyes, took my jacket off, and sat my tall blond kiss-my-ass self down, armed with a notebook and a pen, ready to learn.

There's a lot to learn.

Mike, an accountant by trade who takes umpiring very, very seriously (so seriously he has an umpire bobblehead in his car--I mean, that's just sick) gave us a slow rundown of what he hoped to accomplish, followed by a true/false test. After a while, I picked up on the fact that all the answers were false, and he was tricking us.

He spent the better part of the evening telling us about safety issues and how important it is not to argue, so already I'm a failure at umping. But one rule he discussed was 7.08(i) which prohibits a runner from "running the bases in reverse order for the purpose of confusing the defense or making a travesty of the game." So a guy on second could theoretically run to first to draw the throw, allowing a runner on third to score...but he'd be breaking the rules. A travesty and a mockery would ensue, probably followed by bedlam.

I just like the wording of the rule: "making a travesty of the game." Like A-Rod's salary doesn't already do that.

Still, it was as interesting as it probably could've been for a 3-hour meeting about umpiring. And there are 3 more meetings to go. They're always whining about needing umpires, so I feel like I'm doing a public service. But the more important thing is: can a middle-age woman look hot in an umpire uniform?