slowly I turn...

Just returned from Niagara Falls. Endlessly tacky, drawing in the tourist equivalent of the U.N.: every conceivable race, nationality and religion was here, buying needless souvenir shot glasses.

The natives were nice enough, if not a little humorless. For example: At the check-in at the end of Rainbow Bridge, the border patrol guy looked over our paperwork. He almost said hello.

"How do I get to the Sheraton Fallsview?" I asked, summoning up as much charm as I could, given that I had been driving for, what, maybe 7, 8 hours and looked like hell.

"Just go straight ahead."

I looked ahead. There were 3 different paths one could consider "straight ahead."

"Well, there are 3 roads that are straight ahead," I said, charmingly.

"Take the straight one."

"Uh, but the one on the right says "To the falls."

"That's on the right."

"Yeah?"

"So it's not straight ahead."

"Okayyyy...but there are 3 roads that are straight ahead."

"Take the straight one."

I peered at him intently now, to see if he was just being playful.

"So I take the middle one."

He looked at me disdainfully, convinced that I was yet another idiot American tourist, and explained how to get to where I needed to be. Never cracked a smile. I still think he was playing.

The Falls are truly breathtaking, but the town is kinda hung up on their tightrope walkers and wax. Wax everywhere: wax movie stars, wax rock stars, wax famous criminals...celebrities in wax everywhere, not always rendered flatteringly.

At the entrance of the Movieland wax place, Remy asked, "Who's THAT?"

"That's Brendan Fraser. From the Mummy."

"Oh. His hair looks like a toupee."

"Well, it is, because he's made of wax."

"Yeah, but it's all falling off. I mean, he doesn't even look real."

"Yes. That's because he's made of WAX. That's why I won't pay to go through these wax places, because what's the point of seeing celebrities made of wax? It's stupid. Think about it."

Score one for mom, sucking the fun out of a childhood vacation.