dr. frank

And here we have Dr. Frank’s Joint and Muscle Pain Relief Spray. The effectiveness of this product is documented here. If it's doctor recommended! AND has been seen on TV!, well, it really must be a miracle. Maybe the vapor molecules coalesce in midair to form the image of Jesus before hurtling down your throat.

I think there’s room in the health and wellness arena for homeopathic remedies and alternative medicine. I’m just not sure there’s a place in that world for a creepy guy who goes by the name of “Dr. Frank” and looks like a child molester from the 70s.

“Heh heh heh, TRUST me—I’m Dr. Frank. Heh heh heh. Yeah, heh heh, follow me behind these bushes and just squirt this under your tongue. Heh heh.”

This in no way suggests that Dr. Frank is, in fact, a child molester. I’m sure Dr. Frank is a perfectly nice, albeit creepy guy who, according to this website, is a “leading health and nutrition educator, author, lecturer, and researcher, as well as a formulator of nutritional supplements.” He’s a formulator, like Dr. FRANKenstein, in his basement brewing up some nasty bubbling concoction made from poison ivy and sulfur and leopard's bane.

According to www.NutritionOnline.com, Dr. Frank is “one of a select few physicians who devotes all of his career time to the development of nutritional supplements* and the spreading of information about them to public and professional communities.” In other words, he gave up medicine for marketing these oddball recipes to a gullible public. Thanks, Dr. Frank.

And a hearty congratulations to Dr. Walter Lewis (aka "Big Goiter"), who no longer has pain, tenderness, swelling, soreness OR stiffness. That's too bad. I'm sure he was a riot at parties.

*Dr. Frank also brings us Silent Snore, which “works all night long to help you get a great night’s sleep. With no more poking and jabbing from your bed partner, you will awaken feeling refreshed.” Hey, I suppose THAT’s worth a try just to eliminate the bed partner’s unwanted poking and jabbing and subsequent misguided suggestion that 4 a.m. is actually a great time to have sex because everyone else is asleep.