I wonder how many times I have to say "I have a superior immune system" before some serious illness knocks me completely off my feet, perhaps horizontally into a coffin.
It'll probably be necrotizing fasciitis. I'm pretty sure of that. Or some kind of killer staph infection. Whatever it is, it'll be unexpected. Maybe I'll be plowed under by a meteorite or run over by a train or something.
I simply don't get whatever "bug" is going around, whether it's flu or some intestinal disorder. The heart disturbance doesn't count, because that's an electrical issue unrelated to the immune system.
This week my entire family has been bogged down by a cold. They're all coughing and hacking and sneezing and generally blowing their germs all over the house. Meanwhile, I'm walking around gloating about my superior immune system.
"It's true," I tell the boys. "I didn't get sick much as a kid because of my superior immune system. And I still don't! Yay for me, because then who would take care of you? That's right: moms can't get sick. That's because we have an adaptive genetic mechanism that inhibits bacterial and viral growth!"
Fortunately, my kids don't get sick often, and they rarely vomit. I hate vomiting more than anything. I'd rather change an exploding diaper than clean up vomit. Each instance of my kids' vomiting is permanently etched into my brain (years ago, Remy vomited at the doorway of Olga's diner, just before we walked inside. We went in to inform them of the mess. We did not actually eat there. They felt bad for him, and gave us donuts to take home. Nothing like a dozen deep-fried, sugar-laden donuts to settle one's stomach.)
So I'll continue to thank my lucky stars--or errant meteorites--for my superior immune system. And just for good measure, I think I'll avoid Taco "would you like some hot or mild e-coli for your burrito?" Bell.
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6 comments:
I also have a super immune system. Colds and flus merely bounce off my chest as runny noses at worst. Hurray for us!
Yeah, super-immunity is a good thing I guess. But then every once in a while I'd like to fake an illness, just to get people to wait on me.
Yo Car,
What happened when you woke up? Nobody in your house is going to wait on your even if you're on death's door. You'd have to call us to come do it and you better not be faking then.
H.
Right you are, H. Actually, they did a pretty good job when I was in the hospital, not faking. Hmmmm, maybe I really oughta mine this heart condition for more drama.
H-
What do you think happened when Carey woke up? She smelled her hands! Nobody in you house? What's that about? what!
Care,
I read that twice-baked hands provide immunity to snotty germ infested door knobs and faucet handles. It's a protective coating. Like a condom. So, do you sleep with condoms on your hands often? Was it as good for you as it was for Mr. Potato Head? ;)
J
Yeah, but why does the potato smell develop overnight, and not during the day?
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