get away from me with that thing

I had a shocking realization tonight as I was watching the Ed Show and alternately yelling at the clips of last night's Republican circle jerk.

It was during a Cialis commercial. A silly concept, for sure: the women in the commercial are doing some girly thing or another: one woman twirls her hair, one is caught off guard singing, another is doing that wavy swimming hand thing out the window. Their men are so enchanted by these little displays of whimsy we're led to believe they develop enormous, throbbing erections as a result. Erections that of course demand immediate attention.

But then I looked a little closer at the folks in the commercial, and it hit me:

They're my age. Maybe younger!

These guys look like all the guys I went to high school with. Except mostly better looking. They look old! I mean, these aren't old 68-year-old naked Gingriches getting hard-ons. (Ugh, I can't unsee that! Make it stop!) These are middle age guys with little paunches and wrinkles and grey hair--if they still have hair--and grown children. They still have some potential. And they all have erectile dysfunction.

This made me sad. I'm of an age when women go bonkers with angry hormone fluctuations and gushing, clotty, surprise periods and men are alternately trying to get away from them or waving erections in their faces. Seems like the last thing anyone of this age would want to do is have sex.

rigged erections

I need to totally change gears before I blow a gasket.

The Cialis commercials are really creeping me out. I guess now with football season upon us, so, too, will be more and more Cialis commercials.

The generic name for Cialis is tadalafil. As in, "Hey, honey, I have an erection. Ta-da!"

According to its website, Cialis improves the chance that a man will at least have one successful intercourse attempt. Multiple attempts per dose have not been studied.

Now, how would they study that? Wouldn't that be like watching porn? How would the conversation in the study lab go?

"OK, Steve, you've made a successful attempt at intercourse. Congratulations. You didn't....quite...get there, but you tried. Ok, now, I want you to keep trying."

"But I'm tired. I don't want to."

"Keep trying! You can do it, big guy! Millions of women worldwide are depending on you! C'mon, Steve, women love this stuff. C'mon, give it another shot. That's good. A little more to the left."

According to the website, Cialis has many benefits:

• Works for up to 36 hours.
• And, it also works fast.

How do you control that?

"Well, I don't want to have sex now for crissakes, but look: here's an erection. I wanted an erection 36 hours from now. What the HELL am I going to do with this? I'm in the frigging beer line at the ball game!"

It also

• Works effectively. As opposed to working ineffectively.
• No need to plan around meals. Great! You won't have to buy her dinner first!
• Lets you choose when the moment's right (for both you and your partner)

Believe me, your partner wants nothing to do with it.

I think the commercials creep me out because the guys all seem like these lecherous, horny old men. And their women are all fawning over this magic, mammoth hard-on. Then there's the porn movie music playing in the background.

And then, in one commercial, the spent, happy, post-coital couple is inexplicably lounging around in his-n-her matching claw-foot bathtubs on the rocky shore.

Him: "Ahhh, wasn't that a fabulous ROMP, dear?"

Her: "Whatever." Rolls eyes, heaves big sigh.

Him: "Let's try making multiple attempts, shall we?"

Her: "Hmmmm. I don't think so. That hasn't been studied. I wouldn't want you to break anything."

I feel like I need a bath after watching these commercials. I'm not sure who they're designed for: guys don't pay attention to this crap on TV. As for me, well, the only horny, middle-age guy I want to see running around naked with a hard-on is Viggo. (And he does in Eastern Promises, but he gets beat up in a Russian bath house knife fight. What a waste of full frontal nudity.)