So long 2008, you worthless piece of shit

Hah! Ok, THAT was a little harsh, but seriously, 2008 was absolutely THE worst year of my life. Ever. I mean, there's a backhistory to all of this that I'm not laying out here, but truth to tell, the tumor didn't help. It completely changed the family dynamic. This is the "new normal" as they like to say, but I'll just add that the new normal sucks. But it's probably no suckier than the old normal, which sucked too.

Anyway, I do get out from time to time, and recently I attended an art opening at this...well, for lack of a better word, hip..gallery in Philly. A coworker was showing some pieces, so I wanted to show my support for his pieces.

It was a First Friday, kind of an art crawl through the city, and stuff is free. So the place was mobbed with snotty art students and posers and actual artists and me, this middle age freak from NJ. I was pretty clearly out of place, but it didn't matter, really: I was completely invisible.

(Used to be I would walk into a bar or somewhere, and I'd turn a head or two. Now, I'm just a cypher. I walk into a place and the sea doesn't part, the talking doesn't stop, the earth doesn't shake anymore. Nothing. Nada.)

But acompanying this middle age anonymity is the knowledge that a growing part of me just doesn't give a shit what people think. So that's kind of cool. I left the show and headed over to National Mechanics, a bar that Mr. Master told me about. He was going there later with his friends, and I wanted to hang out in the city for awhile.

I haven't gone to a bar with the knowledge that I may actually end up sitting there alone for...well, decades. But I walked in, noboy noticed, and I sat at the bar and ordered something girly.

Pretty soon the guy next to me started making conversation. His name was Steve and he was some kind of accountant. He looked eerily similar to Dane Cook. He was chatty enough, so what the hell, I talked to him, right? I don't care. I'm always very civil to men in bars.

Well, first he pegged me for 32--at which I laughed uproariously-- and explained his choice of age: he always figures a woman's age and then subtracts 10 in the hope of getting lucky. Steve, for the record, was 24. Technically old enough to be my son.

But something told me Steve just wanted someone to talk to, not a romp in the hay. So I continued to talk to him. Then Mr. Master came in with his friends. Yay, Mr. Master. He bought me a shot, and I went and talked to him.

Then, Steve came over with a shot...for Mr. Master. And I could now see that Steve is really short. Mr. Master was puzzled by this. I don't know what bar protocol is about buying shots, but this smelled sinister to me. Was it poisoned? Was Steve feeling jealous? Mr. Master thanked Steve, and Steve returned to his seat. I asked Mr. Master what THAT was about.

"He's trying to impress you."

"You're kidding, right?"

"No. I bought you a shot, and he's trying to impress you by buying me a shot."

"But...maybe if he wanted to impress me, he should buy ME a shot." Clearly, I don't know protocol.

This went on for a while: I would get up and talk to Mr. Master, and go back to my seat at the bar next to Steve, who henceforth will be called Dane Cook. I did this several times and the last time I returned to my seat, my leather jacket--and Dane Cook--were gone.

I looked around the immediate area--it was jam-packed by now--and didn't see it. I stood on my tiptoes, making me, essentially, taller than most everyone in the bar--and didn't see it. Several minutes went by, and I determined that Dane Cook must've made off with my jacket, that fucking weirdo.

"Sonofabitch made off with my jacket!" I exclaimed to Mr. Master.

"What? Really?"

"Well, I don't know. It's gone. He's gone. Somebody took my jacket."

And then...through the crowd, little Dane Cook pushed through, looked up at me like a puppy and with a hopeful grin, held my jacket up for me.

"I went to the bathroom and took it with me, because I didn't want you to lose it."

Now, I couldn't decide which was the icky part: him taking my jacket into the bathroom with him, and if so, where did he put it and what did he do with it in there? Or him taking my jacket into the bathroom and then bringing it back to me in, perhaps, the hope that this little ploy might get him laid by someone old enough to be his mother?

Could it be that he was just...being nice? This gave me pause. I considered him and those hopeful doggie eyes. I just wanted to pat him on the head. But instead, I said thank you, very politely, and ignored the urge to crack wise about it and instead, forced myself to view Dane Cook's motivation as pure and his action as genuine, if icky. I then headed out, well into the next morning, to catch the train back to NJ.

I liked that bar.

boy nuts

I've not been very good at this since I started this job. That kinda blows.

The boys have a swim meet this weekend in Delaware, the Eastern Regionals. So far they've dropped all their times; Remy dropped 10 seconds off one time, and they're up there in the top 10 in all their events. So they're having a great meet.

As a reward of sorts, we took them to Cracker Barrel on the way home last night. Mmmmm, good eatin'.

As we walked in, Remy asked why so many old people go there. I said, well, the food's all mushy and goopy, easy for old people to eat. We decided that should be the new slogan.

Cracker Barrel. Food so mushy, even old people can eat it.

So we go in; it's packed. We have to mill about in the gift shop along with a busload of tourists (tourists?! in NJ?!). Boo finds one of those stress-relieving heads, the one that you squeeze and its eyes and ears pop out, and HAS to have it.

We're seated, eat our delicious dinner of country-fried steak, chicken and dumplins, biscuits, etc, watch as our blood pressure and cholesterol levels skyrocket...and then the boys have hot fudge sundae desserts.

Ooops. There are nuts in the sundaes. Nuts don't belong in sundaes, according to the boys. I forget exactly how the conversation started, but it went something like this:

Me, earnestly: "Did you eat your nuts?"

Peals of giggles from both boys.

Me, playing along now: "What, you don't like your nuts?"

More giggles.

"Here, give it to me. I'll eat your nuts."

Loud guffaws, soda squirting out of nose.

"I like nuts. They taste good. I could eat nuts all day. What, you guys don't like your nuts?"

More howling.

"They're not very big, are they?"

BAHAHAHHAA.

Then, Remy says, earnestly: "What happens if they go bad?"

"Well, nuts can get all black and shriveled up when they go bad."

BAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

That continued for a little while until they finally figured out--and it took them awhile--that I was on to them. There's nothing that brings the family together quite like sharing a little sex joke with your kids.