The dermatologist makes me nervous because it's really the only doctor that needs to see mostly all of your skin, which requires being mostly naked under harsh, unflattering fluorescent lighting. The paper cover-up thing they give you never seems to be big enough and I'm never quite sure how to wear it. Over my shoulders, like a cape? Over the front, but held together by a hand in the back? Around the back and open in the front, like a bath towel? It's all so confusing, and becomes moreso when it inevitably rips when you're trying to pull it just a little bit to cover that one exposed last inch of thigh skin.
This was a new Chinese doctor, so I had to listen carefully because of his accent. He looked around, checked out between my toes, commented on a birthmark on my back, and informed me I have mild rosacea on my face.
"The Irish tend to have rosacea. People think it's because they drink, but it's because they're Irish. Are you Irish?"
"Somewhat."
"Ah. Well, that's it, then." Eliminating the possibility that it's really from excessive drinking. Which it isn't. Really.
He starts examining my scalp. Then, a revelation:
"You have really big ears."
Now, nobody's ever told me this, and it has never before occurred to me that I have big ears.
"Yeah? Really? Gee, nobody's ever told me that before."
"Oh, yes." Then, sensing my concern that having big ears may be detrimental to my health--or at the very least, to my sense of self-esteem because now I think I look like fucking Dumbo--he adds, "People with big ears live longer." He smiles. He's making a joke. About my big ears! Ha! Ha!
"Ha! Well, you're pulling my leg now, doctor." At that time, he really was pulling my leg, looking for moles.
Now, some people might have been offended if their doctor made this observation. But because he was obviously amused by his discovery, I played along. I mean, so what? I have big ears. I can't change them. My hair covers them. But unfortunately, now that this has been brought to my attention, I'll forever notice the size of other people's ears, and compare them to my own. In fact, I looked at his. They seemed normal enough.
When I got home, I rushed to the mirror to look at my ears. He was right! They're huge! When the hell did THAT happen? Oh, NO! It's happening! My head is shrinking, and now my ears are getting bigger! Good grief, in 40 years, I'll look like this:
6 comments:
don't sit near l then because she has tiny ears and you will probably both feel self-concious. i like your caricature - can you do one of l with tiny ears? oh dear, now for the drunken cryptogram
m
damn - i know i got the first one right for a change but nooooo - ok again. pretty soon they'll only ask me for 1 letter
don't listen to her, they BOTH have tiny ears. I have big ears too. Had them all my life - passed them off to one of my offspring. Go ahead, look at the old pics of us - there I am w/ big ears! Maybe L. can get us some socks for this.
H.
Carey, the doc is right. Your ears are horrific. Fun-house-esque.
L does have the tiniest of tiny ears. They're almost elfin.
Holiday ear-socks. Great idea! Imagine a store devoted to nothing but ear-wear. You could name it Ears Looking at You, Kid. Or penis socks! Sock My Dick! See, there's another let's-all-go-into-business-together idea.
Yeah, Mike, but they don't stick out, fortunately. They're more like huge flapping...flaps on the side of my head. Who knew?
Yep, still got those tiny ears alright! C, I guess you are shrinking but your ears are staying the same size? Before you know it, maybe hair will start to grow out of them! Did the derm find any carbuncle type things like I have on MY head?! L.
What's that again, like a fungus?
I think I always had the big ears, but since I've always had long hair, you don't really notice them. You will NOW, of course.
Post a Comment